Jest The Stuff After Monday!

Bored Meeting?

**

**

**

Coming Events Cast Their Pastors Before…

One day Sven & Ollie, local pastors, were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said: “DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE”

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”

From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash…

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, “Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say ‘Bridge Out’?”

**

Coming Events Get The Police After…

**

Miseries Come In A Bunch

I asked my father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day had gone.
“I had just the worst day,” he replied. “This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing on the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out. On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, ‘Don’t you have any cold beer?!’ The bartender said, ‘Sorry, but we’ve been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'”

**

Wake Up

Here’s a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it’s loud and you can’t turn it down.
I leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly, and you hear a guy yell, “Why are you calling me?”
Then I get up and take a shower. It’s great.

**

Enter Here

A store owner was dismayed when a brand-new business much like his own opened up on his left and erected a huge sign which read, “BEST DEALS”.
He was shocked when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading, “LOWEST PRICES”.
Panic ensued until he had an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read, “MAIN ENTRANCE”.

End

Source: AJokeADay.com

Bringing People Together!!

No one in his wildest imagination wld have thought it possible to bring these together on the same stage!!!

The unnamed genius did it by the trick of, as in any successful relationship, focusing on the common grounds than differences 🙂 He did uncover a few not-so-obvious ….

End

Vide Rajiv C on WA

World, A Matter Of Perspectives?

Some more real than others.

Recently received this gem, rarer than a Penny Black, innocuously wedged in the middle of two dozen other kadi jokes (kinder than PJ).

With all that pre-amble, its simply a picture:

The fellow on his third was peering at this picture from a magazine carelessly left behind.

“Strange…we are living among very strange people, I say,” he mumbled.

His mate sitting across looked up to say ‘Eh’ silently.

“Look at this,” pointing to the picture, he slid the magazine to the other fellow.

His mate pulled it to his side and looked at the picture. And, looked at it hard.

Again a ‘Eh’ on his face.

“Don’t you see it?”

“I see it alright. But what is it I don’t see?”

“Can’t you see…they engage two cars to carry a piece of rope!!”

“Ah, now that you say….”

**

One day God decided to visit the earth and try some alcohol.

So he changed his dress & went to a bar and asked the bartender: What all do you have..??

Bartender: We have Whisky,  Rum, Vodka, Gin, Beer, etc. etc.

God: Let’s try Whisky first. Give me a bottle of whisky. 

After having had a full bottle of Whisky, God decided to try Rum.

Bartender was shocked, who is this man..?? After having a bottle of Whisky, he is still on his feet.

After a bottle of Rum, God decided to have beer.

After another 4 bottles, this time, of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin.

Bartender couldn’t stop himself asking him:

“Sir, who are you..?? I’ve seen people getting drunk after having 4 pegs of whisky and you’ve almost had 6 bottles of different kinds of alcohol and you are still on your feet!!  Who are you..??”

God: “I am God.” 

Bartender: *अब चढ़ी* (Ah, now you’re talking!)

End

Source: Shanthi Srinidhi, Rajiv Chaudhry

Times Are Grim…Could Do With…

***

***

***

***

***

End

From: deathwishcoffee.com (Albert Stabulis/Krittiga), Bo Layne and Angelina Angelie

We Does It! Every time.

How did they come up with such an odd name for their show?

Known to only a very few, here’s the story, remarkable for its out-of-the-box thinking. Not very long to stretch your indulgence:

*

It was a Saturday.

Regardless, they had gathered to brainstorm over a tagline – something that can make all the difference – for their start-up in logistics.

After considering several, they converged on: ‘We Deliver Today!’. It did convey impressively a sense of speed, urgency…like no one else did.

They felt good about it.

With no images at all, only simple text, the Agency turned it around overnight.

The painters were called in and instructed.

On Monday morning, the fleet of mini-vans were ready to be rolled out with tagline prominently stenciled on the sides. The deadline was licked. And the world…it’ll never be the same!

When they vehicles emerged from their overnight parking…Oh sh##, it read ‘We Delivers Today!’ On everyone of them.

Obviously, a junior staff present on Sunday – not one to quibble too much over number, tense and gender – had approved the Agency copy. How could they…rank carelessness☹

They got into a huddle. What do they do now? Get it redone for their entire fleet, small no doubt?

One of them came up with: ‘Why don’t we let it go as is…companies in the past have profitably used the technique. Errors and Omissions get more ‘hits’ than the staid and grammatically correct.’

Well, why not? They liked the thought. May not set off quakes, it would certainly cause ripples… heads were sure to turn. The more they thought about it, it seemed they had landed a kind of winner by sheer accident.  

Their relief was short-lived; for among them, as it usually happens’, there was one carrying a ‘wet blanket’ for the occasion. He averred the goof-up was a clear statement and a revelation of their sloppiness in execution, an inexcusable sin in the business they were in.

It had looked so good. Now, this…such a shame to give up. They were back to square one.

Until another among them – you know start-up’s are never short on brilliance – suggested…they could, to use a cliché, have the cake and eat it too.

*

That’s how their as-yet-unnamed org was christened as ‘We’!

End

PS: The day before we were caught up in a traffic mess, vehicles backing up for miles from Seepz all the way to LBS Marg, thanks to the metro project. Before hitting L &T, idly looking out, alongside was a van carrying ‘We Deliver Today’ emblazoned on its side. I let my mind muse over it and…entirely fiction.

Image: istockphoto

The Science And Art Of A Peeled Orange!

The question raised in a forum and some responses it triggered:

From others:

Obviously, its bright orange peel is like the sun, always raising. When you remove the peel, it looks like the moon and sets. I think Plato wrote a paper on this.

The skin is full of tiny pockets of air and oils, which make the orange more buoyant. The oils repel water, and the air in the pockets is less dense than water. Without the skin, the orange loses buoyancy because it’s just densely packed fluid-filled cells and the solid matter of the pulp.

Think of the peeling as bubble wrap and the orange as a balloon filled with water

Oranges have tiny arm like appendages called cilia with which they swim. Removing the skin removes its arms and the orange can no longer tread water.

The pith in the peel holds a lot of air.  Reasoning says an orange with a peel will float

The peel is like a little submarine protecting the sailor orange segments and they are breathing the air in the submarine. Now they are all drowning when you take away the submarine and air. That’s my answer. Like it or not. 🤦🏻‍♀️😅 Don’t ask me to explain it. That’s how I’d explain it to my 5-year-old.

I need therapy after this post and its entire thread. I’m broken

For the same reason a ship will sink when you remove the hull.

You’d sink too if someone peeled your skin off.

Oh…so that’s how you know the difference between peeled and unpeeled…

Same reason women float and men sink.

The orange peel has natural anti-gravity properties.

You’ve removed its life-jacket!

…

End

More Musings From The Idle Philosopher

With little else to do in this lockdown!!

End

Source: onelinefun.com

Chuckles

**

**

**

**

Mean…!

**

End

Laugh It Off

A clip from the past presented now as an unusual and funny multimodal piece!!

Vide Rajiv Chaudhry

Here we go:

***

Husband and wife were watching National Geographic.

Wife: ‘I am really getting disturbed. Now the cheetah will kill the deer and eat it.’

Husband: ‘This is the law of nature. The cheetah has to kill the deer to survive.’

Wife: ‘Please do something.’

Husband: ‘What can I do?’

Wife: ‘If this deer is killed by the cheetah, you will take me for shopping and candle light dinner……everyday…and my mother will come to stay with us.’

For the rest of the story please watch the video here. Don’t miss.

***

Look Out

I don’t always go the extra mile…

But when I do, it’s because I missed my exit!

***

10 Years Younger!

After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger!”

My mother, un­impressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years old?”

***

Time To Get Up

Here’s a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it’s loud and you can’t turn it down.

I leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell, “Why are you calling me?”

Then I get up and take a shower. It’s great.

***

Hotel Reservation

Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I’d be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel receptionist’s sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it when she answered.

“We have over 300 guests at at this facility,” she said. “Does this ‘Jim’ have a last name?

***

Handy Around The House

Susie: ‘My husband is a great handyman. He can repair almost anything.’

Jane: ‘My mother always taught me to beware of the man that can fix everything. You’ll never get anything new.’

***

End

Source: Chloe2015, aaron, HENNE, Douglas from click.ajokeaday.com

Laugh With Ray

From Ray’s Daily:

~~~

A plane took off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.  

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Please sit back and relax… OH MY GOD!”  

After a moment of silence, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”  

A passenger in Coach piped up, “That’s nothing… you should see the back of mine!”  

~~~

‘Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own.’

‘Harold Coffin

~~~

The afternoon was drawing to a close, and the guests were getting ready to leave.

“Mrs. Goldberg,” said one of the ladies, “I just wanted to tell you that your cookies were so delicious I ate four of them.”

“You ate five,” replied the hostess, “But who’s counting?”

~~~

Church Bulletin Bloopers:

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

~~~

“There are none so blind as those, that will not see”

~~~

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: “Is this pig?” Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: “Which end of the fork are you referring to?”

~~~

After you’ve heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

~~~

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection – a baseball bat – to the cash register.

“Cash or charge?” the clerk asked.

“Cash,” I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, “I’ve spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau.”

“Shall I gift wrap the bat?” the clerk asked sweetly. “Or are you going back there?”

End

Source: Mark’s Daily Apple.com, alamy.com, Pinterest.com, traveler.com.au, ahumorsite.com