Chuckles

from Ray’s Daily

For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions:

“There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,” he began, “but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being—a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.”

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement.

Finally, she responded, “I think it’s a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?”

**

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly. Now you know why!

**

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.

After the man received the full treatment – shave, manicure, haircut, etc. – he placed the boy in the chair.

“I’m goin’ to buy a tie to wear to the party,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When the boy’s haircut was done and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “It looks like your daddy forgot all about you.”

“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!'”

**

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: “So how is your strange business going?”

“What do you mean strange?”

“Because you sell only trumpets and guns!”

“So?”

“Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?”

“It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun.”

**

End

Source: Wiki, thestir.cafemom.com Pinterest

From Ray’s Treasure Chest To End 2018

Here a few New Year’s toasts you may want to use tonight:

“As you slide down the banisters of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.”

“May your life be as beautiful as a summer day, with just enough clouds to make you appreciate the sunshine.”

“Success to the lover, honor to the brave, health to the sick, and freedom to the slave.”

“Good day, good health, good cheer, good night!”

~~~

I came home one night and my wife was crying.  

I said, “What’s wrong?”  

She said, “I’m home sick.”  

I said, “This is your home.”  

And she said, “Yes, and I’m sick of it!”  

– Tommy Cooper

~~~

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

~~~

An old man strode in to his doctor’s office and said, “Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you’ve been giving to Mrs. Smith.”  

“Oh, he did, did he?” the doctor shot back. “And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor’s orders?”  

The old man says, “Since he found out I’ve been on birth control pills since February.”  

~~~

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.

– Helen Keller

~~~

It is possible to own too much.  A man with one watch knows what time it is.  A man with two watches is never absolutely sure.

~~~

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, “How will we keep from getting separated?”

“We’ll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other,” I reassured him. “Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?” he persisted.

“Well, then I guess we’ll never see each other again,” I quipped. “Okay,” he said. “I’m riding with Mom.”

~~~

A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games.  In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

The son replied, “When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States.”

~~~

On ageing gracefully:

“We’re not getting older – we’re getting better!”

 “To me, old age is fifteen years older than I am.”

– Bernard M. Baruch

~~~

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”

~~~

“There should be a better reward for promptness than having to wait for everyone else.”

“You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair.”

– Samuel Ullman

You can’t turn back the clock, but you can wind it up again.

I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.

– Charles M. Schulz

Bad Spellers of the world UNTIE!

A bird does not sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song.

– Chinese proverb

A good laugh is sunshine in a house.

– William Makepeace Thackeray

~~~

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.”

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

“Well,” he snarled at the blonde, “what do you want?”

“I just wanted to know why you can’t ring it for yourself.”

~~~

The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, “Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?”

A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the piqued bride demanded: “Who was that woman?!”

“Take it easy, honey,” said the groom, “I’m going to have trouble enough explaining you to her.”

~~~

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. “When did you first notice the leak?” the repairman inquired.  

Mr. Gable scowled. “Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!”  

~~~

As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but he had a problem taking orders. One day I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me.  

“Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid,” I told him, “just say, ‘Yes, sir.’ But in your mind, think, ‘You’re an idiot!’ Will this work for you?”  

He smiled at me and replied, “Yes, sir!”

~~~

End

Source: Ray’s Daily and images from giphy.com

If You Get Chatty With The Caddy…

You got it coming to you:

Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”

Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

 

Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”

Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”

Annoying-Golf-Partner-Wont-Pickup-Guy golfdigest dot com.jpg

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”

Caddy: “Eventually.”

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”

Caddy: “I don’t think so sir.  That would be too much of a coincidence.”

Golfer: “How do you like my game?”

Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”

Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy: “The way I’m seeing, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”

Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”

Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course.  We left that an hour ago.”


Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”

Caddy: “Well….tt’s been a loo-oong time since we teed off, sir.”

CatLaugh.jpg

End

Source: The inimitable raykiwsp.wordpress.com and image from golfdigest.com