Chuckles For The Weekend

From A Joke A Day

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My Job As A Taxi Driver

Submitted by raza

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…

It turns out my customers didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

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I Just Bought A Pig

Submitted by Henne

Two friends were chatting. “I’ve just bought a pig!” said the first.

“But where will you keep it?” asked the second. “Your yard’s much too small for a pig!”

“I’m going to keep it under my bed,” replied the first.

“But what about the smell?”

“He’ll soon get used to that.”

 **

Trying To Catch Up 

Submitted by mcdanijt

Cop: You know how fast you were going?

Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.

Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.

Guy: Yea, that’s how far behind I am.

**

The Viola Student 

Submitted by D-Gellybean

The conductor turned to the viola student and said, “You should have taken up the viola earlier.” 

“Why?” asked the student. “Do you think the practice would have made me really good?”

“No,” said the conductor. “But you might have given up by now.”

**

End

Images from businessinsider.com, pinterest, bestlifeonline.com and Wellnessliving.com

A Grandma Solves A Vexing Question…

and more from A Joke A Day:

He was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family. 

With maximum drama, he took a 12-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, “Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty.” 

Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, “Depends if you’re drinking or pouring.”

Blame For A Bad Team

Three NFL fans of a losing team were drowning their sorrows at a sports bar after the team lost yet again. The first fan said, “I blame the coach. If he developed better plays, we’d be a great team.” 

The second fan nodded and replied, “I blame the players. They just don’t try hard enough.” 

The third fan thought for a moment and then said, “I blame my mom and dad. If I’d been born in Boston, I’d be supporting a better team.” 

Trip Down Route 66

The wife and the man recently took a trip down Route 66. And they took side trips if it looked promising. On one of these side trips they passed this quaint country store. Then they we kept passing stores similar to that one.

After the third time the wife says out loud, “How many roads does a man have to drive down before he admits he’s lost?”

Tch…Support.

Tech support: “What does the screen say now?”

Customer: “It says ‘Hit enter when ready.’”

Tech support: “Well?”

Customer: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

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End

Source: Contributed by Harry Finkelstein, barber7796, D-gellybean longfordpc.com, clipart-library.com, Consumerist and Twitter

Paranting

After a rough day spent corralling my rowdy kids, I’d had enough.
“I think I’m going to sell them,” I hissed to my sister.
“You’re crazy,” she said.
“For thinking of selling them?”

The Odyssey Online

“For thinking someone would buy them.”

End

 

 

Source: AJokeADay.com (srg) and image from The Odyssey Online