From Ray’s Treasure Chest To End 2018

Here a few New Year’s toasts you may want to use tonight:

“As you slide down the banisters of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.”

“May your life be as beautiful as a summer day, with just enough clouds to make you appreciate the sunshine.”

“Success to the lover, honor to the brave, health to the sick, and freedom to the slave.”

“Good day, good health, good cheer, good night!”

~~~

I came home one night and my wife was crying.  

I said, “What’s wrong?”  

She said, “I’m home sick.”  

I said, “This is your home.”  

And she said, “Yes, and I’m sick of it!”  

– Tommy Cooper

~~~

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

~~~

An old man strode in to his doctor’s office and said, “Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you’ve been giving to Mrs. Smith.”  

“Oh, he did, did he?” the doctor shot back. “And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor’s orders?”  

The old man says, “Since he found out I’ve been on birth control pills since February.”  

~~~

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.

– Helen Keller

~~~

It is possible to own too much.  A man with one watch knows what time it is.  A man with two watches is never absolutely sure.

~~~

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, “How will we keep from getting separated?”

“We’ll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other,” I reassured him. “Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?” he persisted.

“Well, then I guess we’ll never see each other again,” I quipped. “Okay,” he said. “I’m riding with Mom.”

~~~

A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games.  In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

The son replied, “When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States.”

~~~

On ageing gracefully:

“We’re not getting older – we’re getting better!”

 “To me, old age is fifteen years older than I am.”

– Bernard M. Baruch

~~~

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”

~~~

“There should be a better reward for promptness than having to wait for everyone else.”

“You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair.”

– Samuel Ullman

You can’t turn back the clock, but you can wind it up again.

I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.

– Charles M. Schulz

Bad Spellers of the world UNTIE!

A bird does not sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song.

– Chinese proverb

A good laugh is sunshine in a house.

– William Makepeace Thackeray

~~~

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.”

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

“Well,” he snarled at the blonde, “what do you want?”

“I just wanted to know why you can’t ring it for yourself.”

~~~

The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, “Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?”

A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the piqued bride demanded: “Who was that woman?!”

“Take it easy, honey,” said the groom, “I’m going to have trouble enough explaining you to her.”

~~~

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. “When did you first notice the leak?” the repairman inquired.  

Mr. Gable scowled. “Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!”  

~~~

As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but he had a problem taking orders. One day I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me.  

“Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid,” I told him, “just say, ‘Yes, sir.’ But in your mind, think, ‘You’re an idiot!’ Will this work for you?”  

He smiled at me and replied, “Yes, sir!”

~~~

End

Source: Ray’s Daily and images from giphy.com

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A Queen Understands Bhagavad Gita!!

Sanmargam

…like how!!!

There lived a Queen who wanted to understand Bhagavad Gita – its essence.

‘How many shloka’s (verses) make up the
Gita?’ She asked a Pundit at her court.

‘700, my lady,’ he said.

She summoned the minister: ‘Kindly get 700 gold coins ready from the treasury. Tomorrow as the venerable Pundit here explains each shloka, he be given a gold coin. That makes it 700 coins.’

700 gold coins for him? The Pundit was elated at his good fortune. He returned home in high spirits and pulled out all his notes for perusal so he may best explain the shloka’s to the Queen.

Next day he made it to the royal court
at the appointed time. His eyes popped on seeing before him the pile of
glittering gold coins on a plate.

He mentally prayed to Lord Krishna to be on his side and help him out in…

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In The Spirit Of The Season…

one doesn’t have to be a saint to give away:

The priest said to the poor farmer, “If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?”

“Yes.”

“And if you had a cow?”

“Absolutely.”

“And a goat?”

“Sure.”

“A pig?”

“Now, that’s not fair!” protested the farmer. “You know I have a pig!”

Wonder if there’s a bit of this ‘farmer’ in us showing up on occasions.

This priest saves so many souls this season:

A minister in a little church announced: “Before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin’s hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord.  The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!”

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

End

Source: Mike’s Funnies, Images from clipartxtras.com and Bishop Accountability

Learning English? Keep Away, Please!

Special Sugar Section

Which one of the following words does not belong with the other six?

Issue
Mishap
Parachute
Ocean
Semiconscious
Anxious
Mansion

Hint: Go straight to ‘Answer’ below. I didn’t even try!

.

.

.

Answer:

Mishap is the misfit.

The other six words, and the three in the title, all contain the ‘sh’ sound – which is spelled in nine different ways!

Ironically, the word which does contain -sh- is not pronounced ‘sh’!

‘Schedule’ would count as another spelling of the same sound, depending on which side of the Atlantic you studied!

End

Source: braingle.com, image from wpclipart.com

It’s A Sure Sign Of Trouble In Festive Season When…

you go some place on a set of wheels…

Lights up, first!

Now for the some words of sage advice from one who has been there:

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drunk driving as we’re getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I’ve never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

…and return by another.

End

Source: santabanta.com. The image is entirely of a different kind: Bus driver shocked by praise after kindness to homeless man.

A Prison Of A Different Kind

Sanmargam

Strange indeed are the fetters of love.

Neither have they held me back in restraint,

nor have I made my escape!

End

Source: Pinterest

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Now You Know Why They Tell You…

to see god in everything around you in all the life around you as in your boss, wife, children, Amazon, United, government…and in non-life too like the pothole on the road…?

They all have choices of their own:-(

buddha-53255_1280

By David Berger

This guy comes back to his apartment late one night, and there’s a golden statue of a god he doesn’t recognize in his living room.

“What the hell?” he says.

“Hell is a state of mind,” the statue says.

“What are you doing in my apartment?” he asks.

“You want me to be elsewhere?” the statue asks.

“I have a choice?”

“You always have a choice,”

“Can I choose you to be elsewhere?”

“Sure.”

“Okay. I choose you to be elsewhere.”

The statue stays where it is.

“What happened?” he asks.

The statue shrugs its shoulders. “We all have choices.”

         
David Berger is a self-described “old guy from Brooklyn, now living in Manhattan with my wife of 25 years: the best jazz singer in NYC. I’m a father and grandfather. I’ve been, among other things, a case worker, construction worker, letter carrier, high school and ESL…

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