Monday Mirth

Child Custody

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law requiring that family unity be maintained where possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes, are not capable of beating anyone.

PS: You could substitute in your favourite team and sports.

By George…

A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: “GEORGE AND THE DRAGON”.

He knocked. The Innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out a window. “Could ye spare some victuals?” he asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. “No!” she said rather sternly.

“Could I have a drink of water?”

“No!” she said again.

“Could I at least sleep in your stable then?”

“NO!” By this time she was fairly shouting.

The vagabond still continued, “Might I please…?”

“What now?” the woman interrupted impatiently.

“D’ye suppose,” he asked…”I might have a word with George?”

Kid’s views on marriage

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids – Derrick, age 8.

What do you think your mum and dad have in common?
Both don’t want any more kids – Lori, age 8.

Is it better to be single or married?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them – Anita, age 9.

How would the world be different if people didn’t get married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? – Kelvin, age 8.
. .
Soul Food

A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government. (Edward Abbey)

You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. (Dr. Seuss)

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. (Pablo Picasso)

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. (Maya Angelou)

Self-pity is the worst kind of self-indulgence. (Kayaar)

Talent grows its own legs and wings. (Kayaar)

You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts. (Khalil Gibran)

A child can teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires. (Paulo Coelho)

Anybody can look at a pretty girl and see a pretty girl. An artist can look at a pretty girl and see the old woman she will become. A better artist can look at an old woman and see the pretty girl that she used to be. But a great artist-a master…can look at an old woman, portray her exactly as she is…and force the viewer to see the pretty girl she used to be…and more than that, he can make anyone…see that this lovely young girl is still alive, not old and ugly at all, but simply prisoned inside her ruined body. He can make you feel the quiet, endless tragedy that there was never a girl born who ever grew older than eighteen in her heart…no matter what the merciless hours have done to her. (Yes, this is from the SF guru: Robert A. Heinlein!)

Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can’t get any better, it can. (Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight)

End

.
Sources: Credits to OyiaBrown (http://oyiabrown.com/category/humour/jokes/), another one from Ray Mitchell (raykiwsp.wordpress.com), Rajiv Chaudhry, openclipart.org (ibuteb, professordenis, mathec), brainyquote.com, goodreads.com and Wiki.

The Guru Speaks

The morning paper carried a human interest story with a snapshot of the scene of the incident:

“…He sat in front of the temple all day and night. He never hassled anyone for alms. The mere sight of him tugged at the heart strings of the devotees and loosened up their purse strings. He had collected a pile of rags, empty bottles and a couple of aluminum plates to receive food. Whenever the temple trustees objected, he would move to a distance and was back in a few days.

One morning he did not get up from the pavement that was his bed. He had died in sleep.

The municipal authorities were called in to remove the body for whatever investigation and finally cremation.

When they cleared the rags, empty bottles and other worldly possessions, they also found a bundle.

It surprised everyone to find the bundle had a large amount of currency notes, folded and tucked haphazardly. The beggar’s wealth was inventoried on the spot and rechecked by a member of the public. It totaled up to a little over sixty two thousand rupees…”

The Sishya (disciple) read it aloud and commiserated: ‘How assiduously he must have collected the money, poor man. He had it all the time, but, miserable chap, he was not destined to enjoy while he was alive.’

The Guru smiled: ‘Well, I would think, he enjoyed doing what he was best at – begging. The money was not the act for him. He didn’t die a miserable man.’

End

.
Source: Unfortunately I’m unable to presently recall the source for this piece. Credit for the image: openclipart (Gerard_G)

And they were 38

It was a rule the counter closed thirty minutes before the departure. The man was all sweat as he rushed, his wife, a portly lady straining for breath and her sari in disarray behind him. The hassled girl fixed him in a stare and after a moment’s indecision decided to take them in as the last passengers on the flight. Now this was it and no more. It was their lucky day, he thought to himself.

The airhostess standing at the head of the isle behind the pilot’s cabin launched herself into the routine of demo’ing safety procedures. Exhausted some had already slipped into a sound nap while she gamely went about her chore and there were others sharing their jokes when she was on the part about emergency landing on water.

In a couple of minutes the aircraft climbed to its cruising altitude and the seat-belt signs were switched off. It was a cue for a few to stand up and stretch their limbs. Shortly after the hostess was all business sporting a plastic smile and handing out tea, coffee and light refreshment. That done the passengers, 35 of them, caged in the aluminum shell for the next fifty minutes, quietly settled down to reading books and magazines, listening to the in-flight audio channels or to resume their interrupted nap. A few busied themselves on their laptops and tablets. The mothers pulled out toys and gaming kits to engage the restless children.

All was well until thirty third minute when the plane smashed through a large bank of thick clouds. The turbulence brought prayers to the lips of the believing. The seasoned travelers were nonchalant.

About twenty seconds later…

The channels were quick to push aside economic crises, epidemic breakout and ethnic violence to announce with profound grief the loss of thirty eight lives – that included a promising TV actor, a group of business men returning from an offsite event, a few other professionals, senior citizens and families with children and a honey-mooning couple. The flight from the island resort had crashed into the sea. There were the usual stories of how some narrowly escaped the grim fate quite fortuitously and others despite hurdles kept to their appointment. The search was mounted for rescuing survivors, the prospects appearing dim. There were clips of wailing relatives, some quietly in tears. One of them pitifully cried to the camera: ‘If there was a God, and a benevolent one, how could He mercilessly and indiscriminately cut out so many lives in a single swathe?’

On the same day late evening one of the channels trailing in ratings put out a hastily pieced-together program on places of interest on the island. A partial transcript of what was said:

“…Weeds, reptiles and rodents had taken over the old mansion and its lands. No one dared to go anywhere near. Whoever went in to lay hands on the rumored treasures from the mansion’s cavernous rooms was said to turn up dead foaming at the mouth. Screams could be heard in the nights…There were no records of any descendants; no one so far had come up to claim ownership of the property…Whatever could be gleaned about the last occupants of the mansion was by talking to a puttering oldie – she had heard it from her grandma: The Pannaiyar (the big landlord) owned much of the lands in and around the village. He and his hands had mercilessly lynched a young lad accused of outraging the modesty of a woman from the mansion. That the boy was mentally a little unstable did not count. His parents, restrained, watched helplessly as life seeped out of the dying lad. They cursed the entire assembly of perpetrators to doom then and forever. That was the beginning of the end for the Pannaiyar, his family and others and the mansion…”

An innocuous factoid strangely preserved in the oldie’s account was regarded as an insignificant detail and edited out by the channel: they were thirty eight in the assembly.

.
End
.
Credits to openclipart.com (laobc) for the image.

Monday Mirth

A policeman apologizes

A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the right thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, fuming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up.

He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He says, “I’m very sorry for this mistake.” “You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.” I noticed the “Choose Life” license plate holder, the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.”

“Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.”

What if you don’t see me for 2 days?

A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled:
‘Did it again, eh? You’re not going to see me for two days.’
The man couldn’t believe his luck. He saw visions.
Monday passed and he didn’t see her…
Tuesday and Wednesday too passed…
On Thursday things were back to what they were before.
And now he could see her from the corner of a swollen eye.

Get yourself a whistle

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you’re a referee.

A special package for business men

An airline introduced a special package for business men: ‘Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife’s Ticket Free.’

After great success, the company sent letters to all wives asking how the trip was.

All of them gave the same reply…”What trip?”
.
Soul Food

The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is. (C. S. Lewis)

What is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.
(Ernest Hemingway)

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing. (Bill Cosby)

Khalil Gibran
.
Yesterday we obeyed kings and bent our necks before emperors. But today we kneel only to truth, follow only beauty, and obey only love.

We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.

The eye of a human being is a microscope, which makes the world seem bigger than it really is.

Many a doctrine is like a window pane. We see truth through it but it divides us from truth.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children.
.
Khalil Gibran was a Lebanese-American artist, poet, and writer. Born in the town of Bsharri in modern-day Lebanon (then part of the Ottoman Mount Lebanon mutasarrifate), as a young man he emigrated with his family to the United States where he studied art and began his literary career. In the Arab world, Gibran is regarded as a literary and political rebel. His Romantic style was at the heart of a renaissance in modern Arabic literature, especially prose poetry, breaking away from the classical school. In Lebanon, he is still celebrated as a literary hero. He is chiefly known in the English-speaking world for his 1923 book The Prophet, an early example of inspirational fiction including a series of philosophical essays written in poetic English prose.

End
.
Sources: Credits to the delightful daily piece from Ray Mitchell (raykiwsp.wordpress.com), openclipart.org/, funfunky.com (saurabhg, gaurav1010), brainyquote.com, amazing-animations.com and Wiki.

Monday Masti

Texas beer joint sues Church

In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond’s Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed rightup until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer,” until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff‘s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented,

“I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not.”

(An old classic revived by Steve)

It’s simple…

Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

Glen: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Goofy shakes up

New employee on the first day of work, worked till late evening on the computer.

Boss was happy and asked what he was doing the whole evening.

New Employee: “Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright!”

Break-through anti-ageing formula

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them during driving.

The story that went awry

In Lok Sabha (Lower House of the Indian Parliament), a Congress Member (of the ruling party) during his speech told a story…..

“There was a father who gave 100 rupees each to his 3 sons and asked them to buy things and fill up a room completely.

First son bought hay for Rs. 100 but couldn’t fill the room entirely.

Second son bought cotton for Rs. 100 but couldn’t fill the room entirely.

Third son bought a candle for Rs. 1 and lit it up and the room was filled with light completely.”

The MP added “Our Prime Minister is like the third son. From the day he has taken charge of his office, our country is filled with the bright light of prosperity”

A voice from the backbench asked “Where is the remaining Rs. 99??”

(The backdrop is scam-a-day governance, no political party excepted)
.
.
Soul Food

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. (Mark Twain)

There is a sufficiency in the world for man’s need but not for man’s greed. (Mahatma Gandhi)

Skill is the unified force of experience, intellect and passion in their operation. (John Ruskin)

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. (Soren Kierkegaard)

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment. (Fred Brooks)

Frederick Phillips Brooks, Jr. (born April 19, 1931) is a software engineer and computer scientist, best known for managing the development of IBM’s System/360 family of computers and the OS/360 software support package, then later writing candidly about the process in his seminal book The Mythical Man-Month. Brooks has received many awards, including the National Medal of Technology in 1985 and the Turing Award in 1999.

It was in The Mythical Man-Month that Brooks made the now-famous statement: “Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.” This has since come to be known as the Brooks’s law. In addition to The Mythical Man-Month, Brooks is also known for the paper No Silver Bullet: Essence and Accidents of Software Engineering.

End
.
Sources: Grateful thanks to Steve (fellowshipofminds.wordpress.com), groups.yahoo.com/group/enjoythemasti/, openclipart.org/, funfunky.com, Facebook (Srikant Misra), brainyquote.com, amazing-animations.com, img.wikinut.com and Wiki

Monday Masti

A Tiger Weds

One day tiger gave his wedding party to his friends.

He saw a mouse dancing. He asked ‘How dare you come here? Aren’t you afraid?’

Mouse laughed and said “Even I was a tiger before marriage”

Witness To A Miracle

The sister working for a home health agency was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since she was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car to look for something in her car that she could fill with gas.

She spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, the sister carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two drunks watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

“If it starts, I’m joining the Church!!”

A note by the editor in his newspaper

“Don’t be surprised if you find mistakes in this editorial newsletter. We print something for everyone. And some people are always looking for mistakes.”

Wrong And Right

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. – like, it could be the right number.

Soul Food

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

From Eric Hoffer:

In times of change, learners inherit the earth, while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists.

Our great weariness comes from work not done.

It is a sign of a creeping inner death when we no longer can praise the living.

Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.

The beginning of thought is in disagreement—not only with others but also with ourselves.

The world leans on us. When we sag, the whole world seems to droop.

We are more prone to generalize the bad than the good. We assume that the bad is more potent and contagious.

When we believe ourselves in possession of the only truth, we are likely to be indifferent to common everyday truths.

We all have private ails. The troublemakers are they who need public cures for their private ails.

The suspicious mind believes more than it doubts. It believes in a formidable and ineradicable evil lurking in every person.

Eric Hoffer (1902-1983) is nobody’s ideal of a public intellectual. He had no real schooling. He spent most of his working life as a longshoreman on the San Francisco docks. Almost every day, he took a three-mile walk. Along the way, thoughts formed. Later they became sentences, then books. Over the years, he wrote ten. “The True Believer” is his masterpiece. The genius of this book is Hoffer’s ability to see beyond individual behavior to patterns of thought and behavior.

When he was age five, his mother fell down a flight of stairs with Eric in her arms. Hoffer went blind for unknown medical reasons two years later, at the age of seven. His mother did not recover and died in that second year after the fall. After his mother’s death he was raised by a live-in relative or servant, a German woman. His eyesight inexplicably returned when he was 15. Fearing he would again go blind, he seized upon the opportunity to read as much as he could for as long as he could. His eyesight remained, and Hoffer never abandoned his habit of voracious reading.

End

.
Sources: Grateful thanks to funfunky.com, Steve (Fellowship Of The Minds), headbutler.com, poemhunter.com, openclipart.org (PeterM, Gerald_G, DooFi, pitr, johnny), amazing-animations.com and Wiki

A Housing Society Meets To Solve A Problem

A Housing Society in Mumbai is an association of all the flat (apartment) owners in a building (an apartment complex). A microcosm of the society at large, the members are more diverse than the countries in UN in their social strata, financial standing, political allegiance, religious beliefs, academic and profession background and cultural norms. They meet often usually to discuss day-to-day issues, maintenance and amenities. The drama in meetings ranges from silly pettiness to open hostility occasionally and at other times, from joyful camaraderie to exemplary cooperation too. This piece is a ring-side view of a meeting held in a Society to address a problem by no means uncommon.

Here we go:

The Lord of the top floor sailed in, a full twenty minutes after the meeting had commenced as was his wont. He had missed the customary masala tea and biscuits.

‘It’s the tea that makes him come in after it’s over, I suspect,’ Quick-Gun quipped.

The host, the Secretary of the society, retorted, his repartee was not heard in the clamor of laughter.

The quorum was not surprising given the gravity of the incidents. Missing were the Astrologer called out on an unforeseen emergency and the Army out on a vacation. The last time they had assembled in such numbers was over the unsavory episode involving a maid-servant of one of the flat-owners.

The Secretary called the meeting to order and briefed the audience on the why they were dragged in kicking and screaming from their Sunday repast. It was about the CFL lamps – the new fangled energy efficient lamps – used to light up the lobby and passage areas in the building. They were pricey at over hundred rupees a piece. But they had a longer life, consumed a lot less energy and carried a no-questions-asked warranty for six months. The warranty in the accepted sense meant returning or at least producing the defective piece before the manufacturer or his agent. It did not cover the eventuality of the bulbs physically removing themselves completely without a trace as it seemed in this instance – no less than eight over the last couple of months.

The Lord roared, ‘Are we here on a Sunday morning away from tennis to discuss a measly matter of a few hundred rupees?’

As Grouchy mumbled inaudibly, it was Quick-Gun firing away: ‘That is settled. Now we know who to go to for a new one whenever a bulb goes missing. He wouldn’t mind – he said as much. We’re done, let us close the meeting, Secretary’

A round of snickering. The Lord glowered at him and sat down.

The Vexed brought the proceedings back on track with his ever-green: ‘What do we do now?’

The weary Secretary repeated himself: ‘That’s what we’re here for to discuss and agree on a course of action.’

The retired Paranoid thought about it loudly: ‘While eight hundred plus rupees does not seriously dent the society’s finances, I agree, who is to say this is not the beginning of an alarming and unnatural trend of objects leaving their station without the consent of the owners?’

They went silent for a few moments sorting out in their heads the purport of what he said last.

After a pause, he continued,’ I say we call in the police. Bad habits must be nipped in the bud.’

The Vexed ventured again: ‘For the love of me, what would anyone do with a bulb that’s in use and not new?’

Quick-Gun added helpfully: ‘Not a collector’s item for sure.’

The Secretary was in the know: ‘There’s a flourishing gray market for all used stuff from a cola can to a cruiser ship. It’s clear as day there’re buyers for these bulbs.’

‘It’s all the signs of bad times we’re in and worse to come. If it’s an act of man, Karma will surely get whoever is behind this.’ This was the Priest on the ground floor shaking his head somberly.

IT (Intelligent, nay, Information Technology) knew the way forward: ‘Assuming it’s not an insider job, I’ve compiled a list of outsiders – our suspects – who come into the building at different times. A long list, it is, you would be surprised to learn.’

Quick-Gun broke in, winking at the Priest: ’Of course not including amaanushyaa’s (immaterial visitors) if any.’

The Intelligent jumped in cutting short the levity: ‘Let me help you prune the list. We could scratch out the milk vendors (distributing milk pouches), paperwalla’s (news-paper boys) and phoolwaali’s (bringing flowers). They come in at hours when the lights are still on. It is reasonable to assume the theft took place when the lights were off for it to be not noticed until much later.’

‘That’s very clever deduction,’ the pat came from quarters least expected, the Grouchy.

The Paranoid persisted with: ‘I don’t understand where this is heading. I still think we should call the Police,’

‘Young man, you may continue,’ the Lord ordered, ignoring a disapproving glance from the Paranoid.

An encouraged Intelligent continued: ‘We could also eliminate the irregulars who come in only in certain weeks of the month like cablewala’s (collecting monthly fees for the cable TV), the gas meterwala (the utility man reading monthly domestic consumption of piped gas). These guys make their rounds in the first week of the month while we have lost the lights in the other weeks too. The same goes for the occasional repairman called in.

’You still have someone on your list?’ Quick-Gun, again.

‘We still have the presswala’s (for ironing clothes), the bhajiwala’s (selling vegetables), the domestic-helps and the couriers.’

The Secretary made a point: ‘We know these guys over several years. Never did we lose anything. On the other hand, on number of occasions, we found on our premises unexplained and unattached objects like the forlorn and forsaken commode if you all remember. ’ Alliteration was his soft spot.

The Paranoid was not to be distracted by migrating commodes: ‘Don’t forget there’s always the first time for anything. Newspapers are full of them – stories of thefts involving domestic-helps. The couriers are worse – they send a new guy almost every day with unverified credentials, I’m sure.’

Quick-Gun cautioned: ‘Better not be heard outside this room. Else we’ll have a morcha (protest) outside our building from the ‘unfairly maligned’.’

IT had an easy solution: ‘Let’s use magnetic cards. We use them in our offices…and it works.’

Counter from Grouchy: ‘In my cousin’s place on the Twelfth Road, I heard, some prankster drove a nail into the reader and no one could swipe a card thereafter. That was the end of it.’

IT had thought this through: ‘Oh, our watchman would keep an eye against such abuse.’

Grouchy observed: ‘So we have the card-reader, the cards and also the watchmen?’

‘What’s odd about it? It’s India, my friend. Don’t the banks have manned ATM’s? Of course, if we wish, we could have surveillance cameras to look out for the pranksters.’

‘What happens when the courier boys walk away from their job with the card on them? It was the Paranoid this time. ‘You know, they just disappear without a by-your-leave?’

‘We could always invalidate the card.’

The tennis-deprived Lord: ‘Secretary, what’s going on here? We were talking about a few missing bulbs. Next thing would be guard dogs and an electric fence?’

The Secretary answered the call of duty: ‘Hey folks, he’s right. Let us get back to the missing bulbs. We have no plans to spend thousands on a security system when we have engaged round-the-clock watchmen.’

The Vexed showed stress: ‘Another thought came to me just now – these bulbs are mounted at least 8 feet above the ground.’

IT helpfully added: ‘That would be one foot down from the ceiling.’

The Lord was for immediate action: ‘Call the watchman and ask him if he saw any six-footer coming in.’

The Vexed: ‘How can a six-footer reach out to unscrew a bulb eight feet up?’

The Lord: ‘Why? Of course, with his hands stretched up.’

IT backed him up: ‘If it helps, the average long sleeve of a shirt is 32/33 inches.’

Quick-Gun offered a simple solution: ‘We could erect a height barrier right at the entrance to stop the six-footer in his track, just the way they place them in bridge approaches, parking lots…’

His suggestion was roundly ignored by all.

Whereupon the vertically challenged day-watchman was called and asked. Certainly not, not under his nose – he was clear no tall guy had entered the building in recent times.

A rebuffed Quick-Gun was not the one to stay out for long: ’He must be speaking the truth. His neck shows no sprain.’

Watching the proceedings, the Intelligent jumped in: ‘Or, it could be anyone standing on a chair, stool or a step-ladder.’

The watchman further affirmed no chair, stool or step-ladder went in, accompanied or otherwise.

The Vexed correctly assessed the situation: ‘Seems to me a dead-end.’

Grouchy joined: ‘We’re wasting our time.’

I-told-you-so from the Paranoid: ‘Get the Police to crack it – that’s what we should be doing, I’m clear in my mind.’

The Priest was wistful about the Astrologer: ’We miss him – I’m sure we wouldn’t be so much in the dark on the bulbs going out if he was around.’

Quick-Gun’s irreverent inquiry was not very audible: ‘Does he glow in the dark?’

The Lord decreed: ’Secretary, let’s conclude.’

The Secretary stood up: ‘Well, thanks for being here on this Sunday morning. We’re still clueless how we’re losing these bulbs. I am not sure the Police would be really interested in a case like this when their hands are full with more serious crimes. I suggest we do two things to help ourselves: Firstly, we keep our eyes open for suspicious strangers, especially the tall ones. Next, we instruct both the day-watchman and the night-watchman to keep a closer tab on the couriers and others too. We hold them responsible for any loss and recover the cost of replacement from their salary. We’ll review the situation in a week’s time.’

‘I’ll go for with you,’ endorsed the Lord. His suggestion was to send the Army on his return to deal with the Police if it got worse.

The meeting ended.

In the evening:

He came in massaging his shoulder with his hand.

‘You’re late. What happened?’

‘What happened, eh? You’ll break all my bones if you haven’t already. All day long, couldn’t lift my hands, you motu (heavy). Let me tell you, the act is off for some time now.’

‘Some time? It’s over, finis, my friend. It has to be something else from now.’

‘How do you mean?’

He learnt about the day’s meeting. Now it would all come back to bite them in their purse – no payoff. Well, a pause it may be, certainly not the end, he thought. In a way he felt relieved – no more juggling with the motu standing on his shoulders, as he went about taking charge of the night watch from his day mate.

End
.
Source: Grateful thanks to facs.phillipmartin.info, barriersdirect co uk and openclipart.org for the pictures.

Monday Mirth

.
Heard in a city office in Louisiana:

“When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana…”
“Tell me.”
“I’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”
.
Outside a shopping mall in Chandigarh:

Bondhu running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bandhu, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bandhu replied, “Did you see who it was?”

Bondhu answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”
.
Baptising an Irishman

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The kind preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk:

“Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk shouts, “Yes, OI am.”

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, OI haven’t found Jesus!”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, me brother?”

The drunk answers, “No, OI haven’t found Jesus!”

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in”?

End .
.
.
Soul Food
.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. (Albert Einstein)

Relationship is all about winning and losing: winning trust and losing ego.

Never blame a day in your life. Good days give happiness, and bad days, experience.

Every life is a march from innocence, through temptation, to virtue or vice. (Lyman Abbott)

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. (Zig Ziglar)

End
.
Sources: Grateful thanks to Steve (‘A Little Southern Humor’ in Fellowship Of The Minds), public-domain-photos.com, doodleguy (openclipart.org), funfunky.com, amazing-animations.com and brainyquote.com.

Monday Mirth

It’s all Logic, Mate

Bondhu decides to write the entrance examination for admission to MBA course.

He could understand everything except for the subject of ‘Logic’. One day when he is deeply engaged in his studies, Bandhu comes home.

Comfortably seated, Bandhu inquires:

‘Bondhu, how is your preparation coming along for the MBA entrance?’

‘Everything is fine, but I just don’t understand Logic.’

‘Actually, Logic is very easy.’

‘That’s splendid. Can you explain it with an example?’

‘Ok. Here we go. Do you have fish-tank in your house?’

‘Yes, of course.’

‘Logically, there will be water in it.’

‘Yes.’

‘Logically, there will be fish in it.’

‘Yes.’

‘And, logically, someone will be feeding the fish.’

‘Yes, man. You’re spot on.’

‘I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.’

‘How did you know?’

‘So, logically, you’re married.’

‘You bet your last rupee.’

And, looking at you, you must be married for some years now.’

’Incredible! It is 7 years, come July.’

‘So, logically, you must be having one or more children?’

Bondhu did have a son and is mightily impressed with Bandhu’s exposition of Logic.

Bandhu rounds up: ‘See this is how Logic amazingly leads to you step-by-step to conclusions that are never obvious in the first place!’

Next day Bondhu takes a break and meets up with Mandu at the latter’s house. On entering, he almost falls on his face stumbling on a tricycle left abandoned in the way.

He recovers, settles down and inquires:

‘Mandu, how is your preparation for the MBA entrance coming along?’

‘Everything is fine except for the subject of Logic.’

‘Oh, Logic is kid-stuff.’

‘You’re God-sent. Please, help me with an example.’

‘Do you have a fish-tank in your house?’

‘We did have until it crashed on the floor last week. You know how it is with today’s…’

His rhythm upset by introduction of past data, Bandhu pauses for only a moment and continues:
‘Never mind what it was last week, focus on what it is now. It’s a fact you don’t have a fish-tank now?

‘You’re right.’

‘Based on the fact, logic tells us you cannot be having a wife in the house.’

‘Logic tells us that?’

‘That’s not all. Also logically you cannot have a kid in the house.’

‘Eh?’

‘Yes, Logic is far-reaching. The conclusions can surprise you! Go back to your Sherlock Holmes in school. But Mandu, there is one thing that still stumps me – all of my logic fails here, I must confess.’

A dazed Mandu throws a quizzical look.

Bondhu cannot contain himself: ‘Aren’t you a little old and big for it? Is it some kind of a fetish? I mean the tricycle – what are you doing with it?’
.
Needless to add quite logically they flunk the entrance and join the Government.
.
End

.
Well, while passing it on, you could insert any pet peeve of yours in place of the Government: Law, Economics, Finance, what-have-you.

If you prefer, then again it could be any Government – you won’t be off the mark.

But logically you would be more right, if you said they joined the Michigan Government; for, I clearly see their hand in:

“Bureaucrats in Michigan threaten woman with jail time for planting vegetable garden in her own yard”
(http://www.naturalnews.com/032960_Julie_Bass_home_gardening.html)

“Michigan government announces plan to destroy ranch livestock based on hair color and arrest hundreds of ranchers as felons”
(http://www.naturalnews.com/035372_Michigan_pigs_farm_freedom.html)

Honestly there must be even weirder examples closer home without going all the way to Michigan. But it is these reports that finally triggered this piece.

The original piece forwarded to me has Gyani Zail Singh, Rajiv and Buta Singh playing it out. Then, after the recent Mamta Bannerjee – cartoon – Jadhavpur episode, at my age, logically I didn’t want to chance it. .
.
.
Soul Food

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said:

“My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:

“Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied:

“The one you feed.”

End

.
Sources: Grateful thanks to Saurabhg (funfunky.com), all-free-download.com , naturalnews.com and The Heart Of Innovation (ideachampions.com).

Moan’day Mirth

Beer explained

“Well, you see, Norm, it’s like this…A herd of buffalos can only move as fast as the slowest. And when the lion hunts the herd, the slowest and the weakest at the back are killed first. You…with me?

Ya, this natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the speed and health of the herd gets better by the regular killing of the weakest. Nature is cruel? That’s what it is. It’s the same thing with the human brain – what we’ve up here. It can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells – that’s the neurons, that’s what they call them, I think. Now hear this – all these docs tell you excessive alcohol – whatever that means – kills the brain cells.
You, still with me, Norm? I’m almost there. Naturally it attacks and kills the slowest and weakest cells first, making the brain faster and more efficient. This – the docs don’t tell you.

Hey, there, we’re parched here.

So, Norm, cheer up -.that’s why after a few beers, you always feel smarter. Got it?“

***

If you thought the above was levity, look up: ‘Drinking Alcohol May Significantly Enhance Problem Solving Skills’ in Medical Daily (See Source below). They fully support the view above though they do have a different theory out there, a minor detail.
.

Soul Food

“Knowledge is learning something every day. Wisdom is letting go of something every day.” (Zen Proverb)

“In the midst of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” (Albert Camus, 1913-1960, French author & philosopher, winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature 1957)

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.” (Mahatma Gandhi on the stages of a winning strategy of nonviolent activism)

Wiki on the courage of a leader: Satyagraha is a synthesis of the Sanskrit words Satya (truth) and Agraha (holding firmly to). For Gandhi, satyagraha went far beyond mere “passive resistance” and became strength in practicing nonviolent methods. His first significant attempt leading mass satyagraha was the Non-cooperation movement from 1920-1922. Even though it succeeded in raising millions of Indians in protest against the British created Rowlatt Acts, violence broke out at Chauri Chaura, where a mob killed 22 unarmed policemen. Gandhi suspended the protest, against the opposition of other Congress members. He decided that Indians were not yet ready for successful nonviolent resistance. The Bardoli Satyagraha in 1928 was much more successful… .

End
.
Sources: ‘Cheers’, medicaldaily.com, businessballs.com and Wiki – with grateful thanks.