What’s A Dog’s Lifetime?

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm.

The bartender says, ‘Hey! No pets allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!’

The man begs, ‘Look I’m desperate for a drink. And there are no other bars nearby.’

After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar.

It’s news time on the large-screen TV in the far end. When it came to the Central Bureau Of Investigation (equivalent of FBI in India) cornering some senior government officers on charges of corruption and nepotism, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.

The man is apologetic: ‘You know, the one thing he cannot stand is crime.’

The bartender says, ’Wow that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! And all that show for a mere arrest. What does he do when these guys get their just desserts and sent to jail?’

‘I don’t know,’ replies the owner, ‘I’ve only had him for eight years.’

End

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Credit: Adapted from arcmax.com. I’ve lost track of the sources for the gif’s.

Making Enemies And Friends Was Never Easier

I play pinochle regularly with seven other women,

most of whom are 70 or older.

Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by taking her out to lunch.

When the waitress came to take our order,

one of the women said to her,

“This is a very special occasion. It’s Elsie’s ninety-second birthday.”

The waitress made seven instant enemies

and one fast friend

by asking the question,

“Which one is Elsie?”

End
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Credits: Compilation Copyright © http://www.wackywits.com

You Failed Me, Dude

When I was deep into the sports columns -
She came to me tears forming in her eyes.

I inquired:

‘Are we running out of sugar, salt or bread, my dear?
Let me get it from the shop and wipe off your tear.’

She said:

‘You may to your mom be a priceless diamond,
but be it known you’ve failed me as a husband.’

Next door they were packing for Bangkok, I learnt,
as she was patting the dough for breakfast.
That’s when to me it came clear, it was all wrong -
the choice of a bracelet or a visit to Penang,

When I came out from my bath drying with a towel,
I heard her from the hall raising hell:

I inquired:

‘What, mom? Is your back acting up again?
Never mind, this balm will get you off pain.’

She said:

‘You may be a great catch to her, my son,
but be it known you’ve failed me as a son.’

On her call, I had not rushed to her bed-side,
and find for her ‘Chase -The-Hide-Off-His-Backside’.
That’s when to me it came clear, it was all wrong -
the choice of the game-pack or a ceedee on Saarang.

When I was tying the knot on my tie,
She flopped into the chair with a red eye.

I inquired:

‘What’s weighing you down this morning, my princess?
Are you still finding your toys under the mattress?’

She said:

‘They may adore you, Dad,
but be it known you’ve failed me had.’

‘Had?’ That was a new one for me.
Ah, Ah, dumb of me – she mixes up ‘h’ for ‘b’.
That’s when to me it came clear, it was all wrong -
I had got her enrolled for a mountain hike…

Not to burden you with more,
for I’ve to rush out there,
I must not fail them all training
in my session on ‘The Fine Art Of Living.’

End
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Credits: openclipart.com (woman tomas_arad_face, Moini / OCAL graphic, Beauty No28 Amiability/rones and training_icon-forestgreen.

A Long Shot, Really

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, ‘What the heck is taking so long? Hit the darned ball!’

The guy answers, ‘Can you see the lady on the veranda of the clubhouse?’

‘Yes?’

‘That’s my wife watching. I want to make this a perfect shot.’

‘Give me a break! You don’t stand a snowball’s chance of hitting her from here.’

End

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Credit: arcmax.com, openclipart.com

When You’re Put Down In Life…

A man travelling on a train was getting ready to de-board at Victoria.

The hurly-burly ticket-collector saw him near the door and said:

‘This train doesn’t stop at Victoria, Sir, it’s an express.”

‘Oh, my, I NEED to get off at Victoria!’

‘Sorry, Sir. There’s no stop at Victoria.

‘There must be something you can do.’

‘Well there is one thing …’

‘What? Anything! I need to get off!”

‘Well, I’ll get the driver to slow down and I’ll dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform.’

‘Will that work?’

‘It’s worth a try, if you’re up to it.’

The train approached the platform at 50 mph. The ticket-collector held the man in mid-air out the door. The man started running! The man was running in mid-air.

‘Run faster! Run faster!’ cried the ticket-collector as he lowered the man down.

The man’s feet touched the platform! Smoke flew of his shoes and his heel came off. The man was running for his life!

The ticket-collector finally let go. The man was running at 30 mph!

He had made it! He began to slow down. He was still running at 20 mph alongside the train as the other passengers watched in amazement and burst into applause.

As the last carriage passed by, he heard a voice say, ‘You’re lucky I was around here! Don’t you know this train doesn’t stop at Victoria!’ as a hand grabbed the man by the shirt collar and hoisted him back onto the train.

…There’s Always A Helping Hand To Lift You Up.

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Credits: traveljokes.resourcesforattorneys.com

Utter Momsense

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says: “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancee, and you try to guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He turns to his Mom: “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”

“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right, how did you know?”

“I don’t like her.”

End

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Credits: Thanks to Ray Mitchell at raykiwsp.wordpress.com and funfunky.com

Miracle In A Garage

It was a long weekend. The parents of two boys (14 and 16 year-old’s) went on a trip with friends. They left early Friday morning and the boys were left alone at home.

That evening the younger boy made the suggestion that they take their dad’s car, pick up some girls and go to the local disco. The 16-year-old boy could drive a bit but was too scared. After some nagging he gave in and off they went to enjoy the evening.

When they got back to the car after a lot of discothequeing, they noticed a huge dent in the rear of the car – someone must have bumped into the car and drove off. Frantically they phoned their friends to find a panel-beater/spray-painter to fix their dad’s car.

Finally they found one on Saturday morning who promised to do the job on the same day if they brought the car right away.

The car was fixed properly and they parked it back in the garage that afternoon.

Their parents returned the next day but the boys were too terrified to say anything about the accident.

The father went to get something from the garage, came back very amazed and said to the family in the lounge,

‘A miracle has happened! The car has no scratches at all.’

The boys froze.

The mother threw a ‘So, what is the miracle?’ look at the husband.

‘If this isn’t a miracle…A guy drove into the back of my car on Thursday and now it is fixed without a scratch!’

End
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Source: resourcesforattorneys.com, openclipart (mazeo)