Reader’s DiJest

 

A selection from the June 18 RD issue:

catlaugh

Scene: Bar

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Bartender: ‘You need to buy a drink first.’

Me: ‘Ok, I’ll have a coke.’

Bartender: ‘Three dollars.’

Me: ‘There you go. So, what’s the password?’

Bartender: ‘‘You need to buy a drink first’ no spaces, all lowercase.’

(Sylvia Maclain, Grand Prairie, Texas)

**

A %#$@^& defector moves into an apartment in Chicago, and his new neighbor asks what his apartment back home was like.

‘Oh, it was perfect,’ said the defector, ‘I couldn’t complain.’

‘What about your job?’

‘Oh, my old job was perfect. I couldn’t complain.’

‘And the food?’

‘Oh, the food was perfect. I couldn’t complain.’

‘So, if everything was perfect back home, why did you move?’

The man said: ‘Here I could complain.’

(humoropedia.com)

**

An umpire at the ATP Challenger Tour in Nottingham, England, penalized a tennis player, Brydan Klein for calling a player on the court a ‘stupid, stupid person.’

The player Klein was berating was…himself! And he was right! The penalties cost him the game, set and match.

**

My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach.

She laughed and said: ‘That’s not going to help.’

I replied: ‘It’s the only way I can see the numbers.’

**

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching and she was horrified to learn that her mother had bought the exact same dress for the wedding as her father’s young new wife. Jennifer implored her step-mother to exchange hers, but she refused.

So Jennifer’s mother agreed to buy a different dress for the wedding.

‘Aren’t you returning the other dress?’ Jennifer asked, ‘You really have no other occasion where you could wear it.’

Her mother smiled: ‘Of course I do dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal-dinner the night before the wedding.’

**

Feeling down about my thinning hair, I told a friend: ‘Soon, I’ll never need to go back to beauty salon. Whenever I vacuum all I pick up is my hair.’

A glass-half-full kind of a gal, she responded, ‘then you don’t need to vacuum either.’

**

A customer walked into a post-office wanting to mail a package.

‘Two-day shipping will cost $12.95 to get it there by Friday,’ my co-worker Billy told her.

The customer, clearly looking to saving a few bucks, said: ‘The package doesn’t have to get there till Saturday. Is there any way to make that happen?’

Billy nodded: ‘Sure, you can bring it back tomorrow.’

(David Cutcher, Royal Palm Beach, Florida)

 

End

 

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