And Then The Fight Started

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

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‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go .

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
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The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

And then the fight started…..

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Credits: Reader’s Digest, mdjunction.com/forums/bipolar-support-forums/lounge/, alsanda.wordpress.com (I love the humor and the pics here), openclipart (Johnny_automatic, wakro)

What Happened After The Bicycle Had Burst Its Tyre?

What would you say if I tell you it led to the arrest of some burglars having nothing to do with the bicycle later in the day at a place a thousand miles away? Read on before you charge me of going soft in the head.

It all started here in Chembur with my caterer.

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It was meant to be a temporary arrangement for the time the lady of the house was away in US to attend to a sick daughter. The caterer prepared ‘saathvik’(kosher) vegetarian food without onions, garlic or garam masala – just the stuff we wanted – and delivered it every day by 10-00 in the morning. The dishes did have a certain variety not tried hitherto at home, conceded to even by my wife when we had tried it out initially. Above all, it was the surprise element – what would it be today? The service was quite regular without holidays and the delivery was reasonably punctual.

On this day I had an important meeting with my customer to review a prestigious project seeming to spin out of control. The client had handed out threats to my customer of cancelling the project unless it was brought back on track quickly. We were to assess the situation and figure out ways to bail out.

I don’t know if the gentleman Murphy had a law to cover a situation like this. So it had to be this day the delivery man was delayed as his cycle tyre suffered a puncture on the way. There was no option for me but to wait – I have a 80+ year old mom who has to be fed before I leave for work.

To cut the story short I was a full half-hour behind time for the meeting. Of course I had texted him of the unfortunate delay. Just as I was signing up at the front-desk as was normal for visitors, I saw the Project Manager stepping out in a coat-tails-caught-by-the-closing-doors hurry.

He saw me and apologized on the run: ’I’m sorry. couldn’t wait longer. Have to join the sales team waiting down-stairs. We’re going out on a call to close a deal with a big-ticket prospect. Wish we had discussed today and found some ways to handle our mess. There’s no one here I can steer you to when I’m away. I can’t even think straighthope it doesn’t get messier.’

And he was gone.

What followed on that day – I pieced together the account given here from unimpeachable sources in the know.

The team went over their approach with the prospect once again polishing a point here and a point there as they made it to downtown. It was a smooth uneventful drive until they reached the secretariat, only a quarter mile from the prospect’s office. Unfolding suddenly before them, the scene looked like a mini kumba-mela, only more tumultuous. It was a section of auto (3-wheeler) drivers/owners pushing for a 15% hike in the fare.

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While on the subject of auto fares, I must tell you this:

I have had a procession of maushi’s (female attendants) engaged through an agency to take care of my mom running thru my house. For some reason or the other they never last for more than three months at a stretch. It has become a routine for me to be training a new maushi all over again – modesty prevents me from telling you I’m about to fill a crucial void in the health-care literature by authoring an experience-backed authentic ‘Kit for Rapid Induction of Maushi’s into Households’ with an attention-grabbing blurb ‘it is guaranteed to reduce your Maushi’s ‘get-up and go’ time by 28%’. Only the mean-minded would take the blurb to mean a 28% reduction in the tenure of a maushi at a client site.

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Getting to the point, the incumbent maushi has her husband driving his self-owned auto. Often she pulled out domestic strife with her wife-beating and drunkard husband as the reason for reporting late for work. Frankly I don’t regard her as a girl who’ll take things lying down – a view I kept to myself. In an unguarded moment, she lamented ingenuously how their take-home has dropped by 15% ever since the government recently mandated use of tamper-proof electronic meters in the autos.

I’m not the one linking this to the equal hike of 15% demanded by the drivers/owners so soon on the heels of their loss. You must agree, whatever may be attributed to them, greed certainly cannot be.

Coming back to the team under siege, they finally found at some distance a safe place away from the mob to leave their car and walked up.

When they reached the prospect’s office, a full hour behind, they were informed the Big Chief had very much wanted to meet them to iron out the wrinkles with regard to the deal before proceeding on his vacation. Only a few minutes ago he was compelled by pressure of time to leave for the airport to catch a flight home.

One thing to be said about these civic disturbances. They’re very secularly discommodious to the King and the peasant folks alike. And, they’ve their own laws of mechanics and motion. In under a minute out there, a moving object met with an unmoving object and became unmoving under the Equalizing Law of Motion. When the Big Chief finally untangled himself and proceeded to the airport without any further impediments and presented himself at the counter, it was regrettably a few minutes after the aircraft’s door had swung shut. The aircraft doors, you all know, has a certain air of finality – when it is shut it stays shut no matter what.

It was not for no reason he was the Big Chief. He impersonated some Bigger Chief and railroaded the poor agent woman’ing the counter into giving him a seat on the next flight out in an hour.

It was close to midnight when the cab dropped him in front of his house. He pulled out the keys to let himself in without waking up his family. As he looked up, his face was in a frown. It was very unusual -he could see the hall lighted up behind the curtains drawn and on getting closer to the door could hear voices that did not sound like his family.

The incident received wide coverage in the city-crime section of the media. They all agreed the family was in great luck for the man of the house to come in the nick of time and interrupt the proceedings. The robbers, flat-footed without a Plan B, ended up in the arms of the law and the family untrussed without any harm. The lawmen proudly posed for the media for having cracked several other unsolved robberies at one go terming them as prior exploits of this gang.

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These days if you ever see a policeman on the streets stealthily eying a bicycle or poking at a bicycle tyre with a sharp object for no apparent reason, you may safely assume the man in uniform has read this account and is out in the field trying in earnest to boost crime detection rate elsewhere and in his city.

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Credits: thehindu.com, en.wikipedia.org, openclipart (tzunghaor, nfroidure)

Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer said in the manner of having an ace up in his sleeve:

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,”

The lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said,

“Actually, I made up the previous statement.

But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

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The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but we noted that your client didn’t.”

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Credits: hijokes.com, openclipart (liftarn)

What’s A Dollar Between Friends?

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Credit: wackywits.com

A Sinner And His Redemption

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A cab driver picks up a nun one night. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her in the rear-view mirror. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers: “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well,” said the cabbie, “I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

Silent for a moment, she responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that first of all, you have to be single, and second, you must be a Catholic.”

The cab driver gets very excited and says, “Yes, I am single, and I’m Catholic too!”

The nun says, “All right then, pull into the alley over there.”

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child.” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess… I’m married, and a I’m a Baptist.”

The nun says, “That’s okay. I’m on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin.”

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Credits: laughterandsurvivalinbipolaritaville63885.yuku.com/ and openclipart (studio_hades)

We Are The Army

Year 2030.

Polar icecaps had melted, oceans swelled. A deluge that would wipe out all of earth’s surface now appeared certain on the third day.

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The politicians and the elected representatives of people demanded shelter in the deep underground bunkers provisioned for long stay during a nuclear holocaust.

The business men ordered their space rockets to be readied for a blast off.

The priests said it was just as in the scriptures and it was never too late to pray and ensure their place in the Heavens.

The stock-brokers advised his clients to sell off all their holdings and buy into real-estate firms as a huge upsurge was expected in construction activities once the waters subsided.

At a remote border post, the army sergeant called his downcast troops and said:

“We still have 72 hours.

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Let’s train ourselves to live under water.”

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Credits: newshopper.sulekha.com

Incredible India

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Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel agent.

“I vont to go to India.”

“Mrs. Cohen, why India? It’s much hotter than New York, it’s filled with Indians.”

“I vont to go to India.”

“But it’s a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You’ll get sick. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?”

“I vont to go to India.”

The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise and crowds, makes her way to an ashram.

There she joins the seemingly never-ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru.

“Dats OK.”

Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words.

“Fine.”

She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holies she is once again reminded:

“Remember, just three words.”

Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says:

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“Sheldon, come home.”

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Credits: haruth.com/ and openclipart